BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   How do they even grow boneless chicken's?

   Hopefully because of social networking, I've tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.

   Wife: You left your Facebook account open and-- Me: *bites down on cyanide capsule*

   I just put cheese spread on a Cheez-It and now I understand quantum physics.

   I'm updating my resume and I need your opinion. Which is a more marketable skill: Awesome high fives or mad rock paper scissors skills?

   The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. I'm not taking any chances. **Locks Doors**

   WTF........... Just saw a duck smiling at me like a Facebook girl

   All I really want is for my self destruction to be televised during "Prime Time".

   My semen glows in the dark. Should come in handy if I'm ever horny and also lost in a cave.

   So one of the kids shouted "TIGGA PLEASE!"..... and that's the story of why my wife doesn't let me watch Winnie The Pooh with the kids anymore.

   The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun

   I've never sky dived before, but I have zoomed in REAL FAST on Google Earth!!

   I stay drunk because it costs so much to start from sober.

   Where can I buy a couple tumbleweeds? It would look way cool to have a few of them following me around the house

   Nothing ruins a good porn like a malnourished donkey

   I wish I was as carefree as my Step Son's, picking their noses and then tapping away on MY keyboard!!!!

   You play your Candy Crush. I'll play with myself.

   How do Mexicans cut their pizza?..... With Little Caesars .... ***drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage***

   I tried slicing fruit mid-air with my samurai sword like a ninja, but the fruit just fell on the floor and the police tasered me in Wal Mart.

   So many things that younger generations aren't able to do now: make prank phone calls, play outside at all hours, tell time, tie shoes.