Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No you may not "Axe" me a question... I don't speak Walmart!

   Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession. Smell my finger.

   I'm at my most savage when I'm solo love making to the lion king soundtrack.

   I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I'm gone.

   I used to be passive aggressive but now I'm aggressively passive. Don't mess with me, idiot. I'll sit right here. I'll f*cking forgive you.

   Haven't heard anything about Bigfoot in awhile. I hope he's okay

   It astonishes me that some people say we are all unique and different yet they believe in horoscopes.

   You may not Axe me a question, Go Axe a tree!!!

   Keep your friends close, and a bottle of vodka closer!

   Every time it hurts when I pee I think of you. - coming up with romantic valentine's day message is hard you guys.

   When life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

   I don't know whats worse, getting your ass kicked by kanye West or getting hit by a smart car.

   There is always that one person that you think about every night before you go to sleep. But for me its not a person, its pizza.

   If you are babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you return them to their Mom and Dad.

   I asked the librarian if they have any books on innuendos. "Yes, but it's a fairly large one, so you'll have to take it in the rear"

   White girls, show your parents how much you hate them by growing dreadlocks.

   Just returned all of my liquor bottles and now I’m deciding between a vacation in Hawaii or the French Riviera

   So I informed the flight attendant that I was looking to join the Mile High Club and she said she didn't give a flying f**k.

   No, no....when I Poked you on facebook, it wasn't a friendly tap on the shoulder. It was thinly veiled suggestion for my wanting to f**k your brains out.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.