Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just once, I'd like to look at the ingredients of a bottled water and see the words "Sea Monkeys".

   After hearing Lady Gaga stripped naked on stage in an attempt to steal Miley Cyrus' limelight, I can't help but think this will only end when one of them fires ping pong balls out of their fanny.

   Playstation should market a George Zimmerman game

   Republicans have it so rough! The worst part about Republicans looking for a job is if that if they're successful, they end up with a job.

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "Hey, who knew they had a Chipotle up here?"

   Congrats on your secret admirer! It must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure and that I'd want it if there was...

   A lot of kids were upset when they found out Santa was not real, I was more creeped out the fact my parents made me take a picture sitting on a strangers lap and kept it for years.

   The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...

   I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?

   People say I'm too condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   "Half a Dozen", because saying "six" was just too difficult.

   Botox doesn't make you look young, it makes you look like you think you're old.

   You're not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it

   What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.

   I am trying to give Kim & Kanye their privacy. I just wish they would accept it.

   If I give you a dollar, will you buy a clue?