Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy gets out of the shower and and says to his wife, "So what do you think of this?" She says, "You're like a country breakfast." "Oh yeah, how so?" She says, "Fat belly 2 eggs and sausage."

   If you think you cannot live without someone, you really do need to rethink the fact that you're still alive.

   I'm so drunk I almost answered my phone.

   Accidentally started my shower using a Mr. Clean magic eraser instead of a sponge...Stopped using it, but now my balls are gone.

   You don't know anybody till you live with them for a few weeks at least.

   Does anyone know the rule for when the cripple guy at your company dies who gets his parking spot?

   If you've lost your appetite today, I think I have it.

   You can't trust anybody with the remote control these days

   My condoms are expiring soon... Ladies

   People who confuse then & than Remember this... I'd rather kill you, then eat a cheeseburger

   G.I.R.L on the Internet is 'Guy In Real Life.'

   When you get married, don't have more children than your car windows.

   Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.

   If there's one thing I've learnt in life it's to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.

   I put banana peels all around the bedroom to test this "slip and fall on a d*ck" theory.

   I see your OJ Simpson and raise you George Zimmerman.

   I am not shy, I am just not interested,

   Religious people on being born g@y: "There's no scientific proof!" Religious people on religion: "We don't need scientific proof!"

   The Obamacare website doesn't work, just like most of the people who voted for Obama.

   maybe if all these slackers went out and got a job, then they wouldn't have to worry about Obamacare