Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

   Got my wife some lovely perfume for Xmas, its called Tester.. Hope she likes it.

   Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. I had it backward.

   An old lady at my dad's grocery store was mad because the turkeys were small. She asked, "Do you think they'll get bigger right before Thanksgiving? " I said, "No mam." She goes, "Why?" I go, because they're dead."

   An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over....yep she needs a walker!

   Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction,,, I hope there's no hard feelings

   They say you will eat approximately 23 spiders in your life,,, but really you can eat as many as you want.. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

   ALSO FACT: You eat 28 spiders in your lifetime... Always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

   The besth thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?

   Apparently, California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression. It's a sad State of affairs....

   The party's not over 'till you smile for the mugshot. ;-p

   Im thinking of changing my name to Reason.... Because no one ever listens to me.

   Does anyone know where I can get a "Don't blame me, I voted for Romney" bumper sticker?

   I'm going to get dressed up in bear costume and go down to Best Buy on Black Friday and scare the people camping out in tents...

   What's the difference between agal who shops at Walmart and a bowling ball? If you had to you'd could eat the bowling ball...

   The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.

   Long story short, I love summaries

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 2 radio station at the same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car

   Toronto's Mayor Rob Ford ...is this really a PRANK show and Ashton Kutcher is going to come out at the end and tell us we've been PUNK'D