Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: The 2013 Boston Red Sox have more beard weight than any team in Major League Baseball history.

   I trained a raccoon to play dead in the front yard...Okay, I hit him with the truck but the end result is the same thing.

   Jimmy's life would have been so much better if he had been taught to do the Hokey Pokey rather than just cracking corn.

   Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?

   I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...

   America was not shutdown properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare and without corrupt politicians? (Recommended)

   You're saying," All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don't get into relationships. " DO you have life?

   Congress is making it look like the British Royal family is doing a lot.

   A bed designed like a toaster: it just launches your unwilling body out when the alarm goes.

   We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done.

   Do people who work in those office supply stores steal stuff from their homes to use at work?

   After visiting the gov't healthcare site, I don't know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...

   Canada doesn't want you. Why would be buy something that's broken?

   Rihanna and Miley Cyrus could learn a great deal from other female musicians who don’t need to be naked to sell their music like Drake.

   Ladies; When a guy you don't know offers to buy you a drink in a club, he's not being nice he wants to have sex with you. It's not rocket science.

   Women claim they want honest men but dare you not blame the obesity on the dress.

   I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

   don't cry over spilled milk... it could have been beer...

   I'm just going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

   FYI,,, Society has put an excessive amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.