Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey musicians; There is nothing wrong with doing dumb, desperate sh*t to promote your new album or stay relevant, but dropping good music is a better way to do it.

   Harlem shake is just an excuse to go full retard for approximately 30 seconds.

   Ladies; send brother requests to all the thirsty guys so they wont bother you ever again.

   I don't want to complain that it's too hot in my roof-top, but two Hobbits just threw a ring in here

   If you love someone, let them go, if it's me, I'm never coming back.

   Anthony Weiner to star in new mini-series...Sext and the pity.

   Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

   Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......

   Everyone has an ugly friend. If you don't have an ugly friend then, well... this is awkward.

   Ever have one of those days where stopping for 1 beer turns into 5; turns into 12, turns into I haven't seen my family in 4 days?

   I'm not saying she was ugly, but the dog had to close his eyes just to hump her leg

   The person who coined the term "terrible twos" clearlny never had a child that lived past 2, which is good because if they though 2 was bad, they would have lost their $hit with a 4 year old.

   If I ever need a stair lift when I'm older... Gonna make sure it's a toilet, so I can take care of 2 things at once.

   I'm schizophrenic. I can have an orgy just by jerking off.

   i dont know what makes you stupid, but it works really well.

   you're so stupid, there's not a bus short enough for you.

   My mom found out that I was smoking weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

   its not an addiction until you've blown someone for it.

   I'm sure you realize I know you believe you understand what I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I am trying to say....

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they said *how* people died.