Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instead of getting periods, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying 'you're not pregnant have a nice day!'

   Kids today will never understand the feeling of slamming a phone shut after an argument. All they can do is just poke at a screen.

   "instagram are you okay?" "yeah i'm vine" "what was that" "i said i'm fine"

   R.I.P. to all my ex's.. The funeral will be held at "Never Again Christian Church" On the corner of "I'm done Road" & "F*ck you Avenue"

   DO NOT TEXT ME WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING I’m not trying to be the last unfinished message they find when your as% is wrapped around a tree.

   I have a smart phone with a dumbass battery.

   I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life..

   I survived Alberta Flood 2013

   I bet all the Heat fans are super excited for Game 8 tomorrow night.

   i must be part zombie because i've been looking for a woman with brains

   Seriously B EGO. You need to stop this habit of liking the smell of your own sh*t, I mean your own p 0sts.

   I meant to tell her she's weird but ended up writing wired. Anyway, still appropriate coz you know, NSA.

   Sometimes you got to talk to someone only once to realize why everyone else avoids them like a plague.

   I feel like I haven't seen Lady Gaga wearing a hat of various meats and cheeses in a long time................. Hope she's ok

   Sometimes you've no choice but to cheat on your girl with her best friend, not because you are a low down dirty dog but just to show her, her ‘best friend’ is a fake friend. In fact she should thank you for it.

   the best way to understand paranoid people is to follow them around.

   It could be worse. Kanye and Kim originally wanted to name the kid Wild Wild.

   I can't believe all these single ladies in my area want to meet me! Must be all the free Ipads I keep winning

   I want so bad to post a Kim and Kanye joke, but it would be off color and in the wrong direction...

   Girl, you had me at "what the phuck are you doing in my closet?!"