Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have to "take a break" then you two are NOT together. Timeouts are for sports, not relationships.

   Pop a molly? Why don't some of you hoes start poppin birth control.

   Sometimes I'll scream out "FACEBOOK WH0RE"!!!!! in the middle of the mall just to see how many of you are out there.

   <---just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box!!

   "Where is it? Oh there it is. Where'd it go? I can't see it. Is that the puck? Oh there it is...wait, lost it again." - me, watching hockey

   Got hit by a pitch at the batting cage today so I charged the machine.

   To feel more relaxed I go to my job interviews naked. I tell the guy "just picture me in a three piece suit and you'll feel less nervous."

   WOW Justin Bieber has signed up to fly into space!.... On an unrelated subject... Does anyone know how to sabotage a spaceflight?

   Faith by definition is: "Believing in things without evidence", but personally I don't do that..... because I'm not an idiot.

   I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.

   I may not be great at math but your lies just don't add up.

   G ay guys and black women win the eye rolling contest!

   I dont know whats more annoying, hot chicks who won't shut up about how ugly they are or ugly girls who won't shut up about how hot they are.

   "Hand wash only" clothing in a man's closet stands for "wear 3 times and then throw away."

   My friend from Nakuru just called me & told me he's in hospital. Apparently he fell off a Yamaha. Why they ride keyboards there is beyond me.

   It’s a good thing cows can’t talk. Imagine them telling you at every available opportunity that they are vegans.

   Fat people need to accept that being fat isn’t a crime. It’s not a disease. And being called fat isn’t an insult.

   I can unstrap a bra using one hand, so if you ever have a problem deciding whether to cut the blue or red wire on a bomb, I’m your guy.

   How about more Bieber jokes being posted?-said no one ever

   Devil: Let’s pee in a bottle. Demon: Then what? Devil: We sell it to humans. Demon: But what will we call it? Devil: Oh I know, Whiskey.