Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember Hey Arnold? Rugrats? CatDog? Rocket Power? Kenan & Kel? The Amanda Show?… When Nickelodeon made sense.

   The only reason my heart appears cold and black is because I have my real heart locked in an indestrucible black heart shaped box and cryogenically frozen to prevent further damage.

   Mirror: “You look cute today”. Camera: “Lol, no”. Instagram filters: “I got chu”

   All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you

   at work, we call the boss Blister because he doesn't show until after the work's done...

   "I'd hit that" - Asians driving

   What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look i'm changing

   The single ladies and cats joke below is proof that B EGO is the a d m I n and steals stuff we p 0st and claim it as his own.

   Last night was so romantic ...that she didn't even press charges.

   Marriage, because your suffering doesnt have to end at work.

   Hey, NSA,,,, if you're going to read my posts, would it kill you to like them?

   ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and tell you what I eat on instagram

   My first cup of coffee is enjoyed with silence, thank you for understanding.

   why do rapppers ask us to make some noise? You are the one with the band and the microphone

   I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness

   Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

   So many vain and self-aggrandizing narcissists on Facebook giving themselves compliments about how beautiful, slim and rich they are. Real beautiful people are humble and wait to be complimented by other people.

   To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Saturday morning: Try holding the other end.

   What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

   I’m not addicted to coffee… we’re just in a committed relationship.