Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't win for nothing! Parent just told me I need to eat cause I'm getting to skinny. This was the same parent that told me 2 yrs ago I was fat and stop eating!

   Thanks US Postal Service for putting garbage in my mailbox so I can bring it in my home and then take it out to the trashcan later.

   In a survival situation you can drink your own urine. Fortunately my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the bottle and I didn't need to.

   Spray tans, for those who can't get a real tan because they think the sun shines out of their ass.

   How to politely answer to an insult: "I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as good as nature did..."

   I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!

   I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   I went shopping and forgot my phone. It's sad when you can't update your stat us. I just started yelling out my status every 20 min. or so. I picked up 3 followers. I think 2 of them were cops though.

   "Excuse me ma'am... I'd like to return this Dream Catcher." "Sir, that's a dead bird caught in a spider web." "Where's your manager!?"

   The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away

   I'd beat you up, but that might be considered animal abuse.

   Balloons are so weird. It's like, "Happy Birthday! Here's a plastic bag full of my breath.... enjoy."

   What's up with all of these commercials about a reptile dysfunction? These elderly fellows should worry about their own health first...

   My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.

   Dang,,, I really respect an effective slow clap

   Let's turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.

   "I love speaking for others" --- ventriloquists

   If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so I can "like it" and laugh

   "Bae" means "before anything else" I always thought it was a ghetto word for "babe"