Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doesn’t matter if she changes her relationship status on Facebook. Until she leaves her toothbrush at your place. She’s not your girlfriend.

   Someone in the office just said Game of Thrones is overrated and I accidentally stapled his tongue to my desk.

   I dreamt I had bought a blackberry. Sigh. These nightmares are really getting worse.

   My wife's like a Magic 8-ball. If you keep shaking her, She will eventually give you the answer you want.

   Every cab is the cash cab if you've got a gun.

   I'm pretty sure there's a Bruno Earth somewhere on Mars.

   I'm glad Lassie wasnt my dog. I just want to watch TV, I don't want to be constantly rescuing people.

   Chris Brown is adding vocals from Aaliyah to his new song. Congratulations on making a plane crash the 2nd worst thing to happen to Aaliyah.

   The only reason I don’t cheat is because I’m lazy. It’s too much work losing arguments to one woman already.

   No matter how bad your day is going, remember, there’s some guy with his girlfriend’s name tattooed on him.

   Cats probably get mad that they have to pay an assassin 9 times for one job.

   it just me or does it seem like giving my last four digits of my social security is alot easier for others to remember instead of the whole number

   When a woman asks you “what did you just say?” Repeat whatever you just said. Then start inviting people to your funeral.

   You lost your phone because it was on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

   I like you a lottle, it's like a little, except a lot.

   I called the Police on my neighbor, but they were on tour and all I could get a hold of was their manager.

   enough with the gun control debate already. Just make guns illegal and there will never be another problem again. Just like all the other things they made illegal and you never hear about again. Like, murder, rape, kidnappings, drugs. etc.......

   I've been in a relationship so long I have forgotten what its like to have somebody find me sexually attractive.

   Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.

   ...I can't believe we haven't heard anything else from Michael Douglas. I guess the cat's got his tongue...