Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Office crime is real people! I was just held up at PowerPoint.

   I feel like every episode of Cops was filmed in June of 1993.

   How about that shocking Game of Thrones ending last night?

   Walk up in the club like "what's the wifi password here?"

   Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward.

   Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment...

   Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

   Open an ice cream shop and name your flavors things like: "don't be sad","he's not worth it","you deserve better".

   My 6yo thinks it's bullcrap that grown-ups don't get a summer break.

   I want to admit my mistakes, but people might think that I'm and idiot.

   I want to admit my mistakes, but people might think that I'm an idiot.

   Drinking at a bar last night so I took a bus home. That might not seem like a big deal to you, but i've never driven a bus before!

   Don't pray too much; God might recognize it as spam. :)

   I didn't reply to your text because I never got it. I also didn't like some of the things it said.

   A good relationship is not without struggle – it's knowing how to struggle.

   If you're offended so quickly and don't get sarcasm, it means you have no sense of humour.

   If you're offended so quickly and don't get sarcasm, it means you have no sense of humour and ruin everyone elses humor.

   If you're offended so quickly and don't get sarcasm, it means you have no sense of humour and ruin everyone else's humor.

   I throw my sandwich in the air sometimes sayin "Hey Yo....I asked for mayo".

   Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing them.