Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw Fast 6....watching the heroes downshift their auto stick in anger was just disappointing.

   It wasn’t until I tasted the chewy monkey bits through the chocolate & peanut butter,, that I realized I accidentally bought Rhesus Pieces.

   When I start to feel confident,, I remember how I've played entire games of Mario Kart watching the wrong screen..

   I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.

   After the wife eats the last donut, it is apparently NOT OK to thank God for the plate not being made of sugar...

   My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..

   If your hat is intentionally crooked while you are pushing a stroller then we know your child was an accident.

   I find it weird that restraining orders don't specify what kind of restraints to use.

   I've got some terrible news: FOX

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Someone's going to be wrong.

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.

   I really only realize what I'm missing by not having a relationship when I have to make my own sandwiches.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, You answer it.

   I'm sick of people comparing Freddie Mercury to God. I mean, the guy was pretty good, but he was no Freddie Mercury.

   I just realized that sometimes I can be a little condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   Alcohol doesn't solve problems, but neither does milk

   I am not a Jesus so don't expect miracles from me dammit.

   I'm not much of a Target person...just seems hypocritical that you can't buy guns, ammo or....targets at a place called Target!!

   I love you so much I'll eat this pizza to prove it.

   Soulja Boy needs to make a big comeback very soon or else this tattoo is going to start looking stupid.