Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.

   Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. Although we cannoli do so much, he will forever be a pizza history. His wife? Cheese still not over it. Just goes to show here today, gone tomato. Lets send olive our prayers to the family.

   You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.

   I just seen someone update their status on Facebook to "I Wish Every Guy Was Like Jack From The Titanic." What... Dead at the bottom of the ocean?

   I'm thinking of getting a tattoo saying, "I'll regret this one day"

   So is PMS also called "game of hormones"?

   If the Starbucks is less than a block away, it's an extension of your house and you can go in your pajamas.. That's the law

   Just want to thank all the people who reviewed "Star Wars" on Netflix. You guys swayed me, I'll check it out

   Just an observation but.....I believe this exotic dancer might make a little more money if she would wax her mustache

   Do we ever really "Want" McDonalds?

   turned around in bed to say goodnight to my beautiful lady...after three days I wonder why she doesn't have the decency to stop saying "who are you.? Please let me go!"

   You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post's every day...

   Squirrels have 4 teeth.... Jealous Tennessee?

   Sometimes I touch your avatar inappropriately

   When they say "all expenses paid," does that include bail?

   You can tell its a Sunday when Facebook erupts in regret.

   How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?

   If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with..I shouldn't be telling you this..

   Taking back your EX is like buying your shi$ back from your own garage sale..

   There are two different kind of people in the world, "born" ones and "made" ones.