Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love yoga pants as much as the next guy, but now I also know that my sister has a great ass.

   Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have known it's summer.

   Just cooked myself a dinner of roasted lightly charred grains with butter glaze reduction and light seasoning. (Burnt microwave popcorn)

   If Coca-Cola really cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in.

   I hate restaurants where they won't let you bring your own mariachi band.

   It takes Canadian strippers 2 songs to get naked, because winter boots, parka, toque, scarf, mittens, long underwear, thermal undershirt....

   My bed isn't feeling well this morning...so I'm staying home to take care of it.

   My Doctor says I'm a serious alcoholic, but I think I'm more of a funny alcoholic.

   Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?

   I love riding my red Mustang into work,,, but I am tired of people complaining about horse crap in the parking lot.

   People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards.

   Peter Parker was lucky that radioactive spider bit his hand and not his a$$ or he'd have shot out a web every time he farted.

   A report indicates V iagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, V iagra sales have skyrocketed.

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of Oklahoma. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   My day always feels a lot more productive when I think about all those forest fires I prevented.

   Kids are more sensitive to bullying these days because they never grew up dealing with the dog from Duck Hunt.

   My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

   You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   A recent survey has said that 29% of pet owners sleep with their pets on the bed......... I tried it once, poor goldfish died :/

   Business Plan: 1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign. 2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go." 3. Gently press a knife into their side.