Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I only have a problem with control when I'm not in it.

   Kung Fu Panda teaches kids that fat people can do anything they set their mind to, as long as they are a panda.

   According to Facebook, some people I don't remember are grilling this weekend.

   Apparently the graphics are so good on the Xbox One, players will be able to see their own social anxiety disorders developing.

   When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.

   I just ran like a little b*tch from a skunk in my yard and dropped my man card, if anyone finds it…please return it to me. Thanks.

   Bert and Ernie are a perfect closeted TV couple. You are not sure they are gay, but you can't prove they aren't.

   There's no "i" in ignorant.

   I'll wait, gain your trust and strike when you least expect it by taking the leftover beer I brought, home with me.

   Stand next to a guy using a public urinal...Stare at him...Wait until he looks at you.Look in his eyes and say "Don't make this weird, bro."

   Please drink responsibly this weekend and don't drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won't leave the house! ... Good talk!

   Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?

   I'm on the "I love food more than I love exercise but I love naps more than I love food" diet.

   I am so lazy that I legitimately get angry when I have to change from the alphabet to numbers to symbol keyboards when typing a tweet

   I wonder how many Canadian marriages resulted from not knowing how to end the conversation due to extreme politeness.

   A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS.... Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.

   I believe success,, is making it in and out of a public restroom without touching anything.

   he original Nintendo is proof that better graphics doesn’t mean a better game.

   That moment when you realize you can’t ignore someones message on Facebook anymore because it shows that you’ve read it.

   It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.