Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stay in drugs, eat your school, and don't do vegetables

   All these people sending prayers to OK. I feel so silly. I only sent money and donated blood.

   Whoever invent Hallway Swimming....go Twerk a HarlemShake sit down and Plank your Owls self somewhere! -

   I asked a question and this kid said "GOOGLE IT".....You and this Dammmm Google everything Generation!....If the power was to ever cut off, we are so in trouble!

   Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you

   woke up this morning with a serious case of sexyback.

   Drank way too much beer last night. Didn't leave any for this morning.

   Khakis: What you need to start a car in Boston.

   I'm looking forward to looking back on this month.

   If two people in wheelchairs are having a conversation, is it considered mobile to mobile?

   This morning, I got robbed in the shower by some soap scum.

   I once visited The Virgin Islands. When I left, they were just called The Islands.

   They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

   Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"

   I really gotta start saying "congratulations" Instead of "are you keeping it?"

   Everyone I know is either getting married or pregnant, I'm just getting drunk

   Toys R Us sells toys. Bikes R Us sells bikes. Imagine my disappointment when I went next door to Babies R Us

   If you don't like gay marriage blame straight people. They're the ones who keep on having gay babies.

   For all you Xbox fans I guess you won't be getting a game console this year but more like a voice and gesture based TV remote box.

   Ugh....... I can never decide which color of shower puff is the most gangster.