Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   JAB, LMAO, Justine* Bieber wants to be taken seriously, Seriously ha ha ha. . .

   Can't even think about a cop yelling "SPREAD 'EM!" without a confetti cannon going off in my panties.

   Sometimes when I get lonely I lie on Facebook and tell everyone to text me cuz I lost my phone.

   My life coach just asked me to leave because apparently she has "other pedicures to do" and doesn't "speak English"!

   wishes there was a way to donate fat like you can donate blood!

   Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not.

   You know your marriage is on the rocks when your wife goes to bed wearing a rape whistle.

   In light of the latest Abercrombie and Fitch scandal, I bought three A&F shirts today, its okay though, I was one of the popular kids in school.

   ur honor, I call GOD as my witness... *jury gasps*... *nothing happens*...*slowly, a man with a beard rises from the stands*... Dammit No Gary,,, sit down

   From time to time, I like to remind my daughter's boyfriend of the very real danger of falling I'll from a sudden, gunshot related illness.

   My dad's ability to drive with one hand while reaching back and smacking the right child, somehow always impressed me... Happy father's day dad!

   Pimpin' actually is pretty easy and I'm getting tired of everyone saying otherwise.

   This week's weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack pepper spray and a tazer.. :)

   The economy is so bad, a truckload of Polish immigrants was caught sneaking out of the UK .

   OMG When you've stalked someone's Facebook or Twitter, (1 million times), then you start talking to them, HOW HARD is it to NOT mention things you've learned from stalking!!!

   Hey I found your nose. It was in my business again.

   There are no stupid questions, But I have met a ton of inquisitive idiots.

   If there's left overs... You can't cook.

   Remember, Mondays are fine. It's your life that sucks.