Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can you guys just make me famous so I don’t have to work anymore.

   Even a bed of roses has thorns!

   My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you??

   Just saw a girl in cutoff jean shorts so unbelievable short that you could see private parts sticking out the bottom of mine.

   has found that the best thing about dating a homeless woman is that when the night's over, you can drop her off anywhere.

   Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.

   If you had told me 30 years ago that I'd be talking to strangers on the Internet all day, I woulda told you to shut up and pack another bowl....

   I want to see that KFC commercial, but with Hannibal Lecter in it screaming "I ATE THE BONES"!!

   When you are talking to an invisible man in the sky, you are either A) on drugs Or B) at church

   We all should pee slow and sporadic tonight in honor of Dick Trickle.... RIP

   More social media's please.............. I have 20 min of real life to ignore

   You treat your body like a temple? That’s nice......... I treat mine like a wh0reh0use above a liquor store next to a 24 hr Taco Bell.

   My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backwards. I think he inherited that trait from our Mom or Dad.

   We all spend that extra minute or two brushing on the day of your dentist appointment...

   I switched to midget p0rn to save space on my hard drive.

   My home is like the Playboy Mansion except all the girls are inflatable and have a surprised look on their face.

   got new a deodorant ..Instructions say remove top and push up bottom.. My a$$ hurts but every time I fart the room smells great.

   I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?

   When you catch the Holy Ghost on the streets you are a crackhead