Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say milk gives you strength so I drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall, I tried 13 shots of vodka and saw the wall move by itself!

   Hello! I am the Happiness Fairy. I've come to sprinkle happy dust to brighten your day. Now cheer up damn it, this sh it is expensive!

   Why do none of the doctors look like strippers? Where are all the ones I put through med school?

   Good night all, time to give my blankets some a*s and my pillow some head! Sleep tight!

   LinkedIn Bans P rostitutes And E scorts! I wasn't even aware this service was available on LinkedIn. Why am I always late to the party?

   Don't cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse, sorry I mean Sarah Jessica Parker.

   People are what they do, not what they say.

   Admit it, the only thing that can make your lazy ass get up is when your laptop says 5% Battery Remaining.

   I am like a hardware store. I screw. I nut. I bolt.

   The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.

   Almost everybody opens their Facebook to see if they got a message. Almost nobody opens the bible, which is full of messages for them.

   Guys that are afraid of spiders, what color did you get your nails painted on Mother's Day?

   The easiest person to make fun of is me... But also that guy at Sam's Club who was stalking the corn dog samples. Oh wait....... Also me. Carry on

   "I don't wanna go there, We should never go there". - Fat people singing about the gym.

   I spend an inordinate amount of time at the gym. Mostly in the parking lot, where I ponder alternative solutions like liposuction and tapeworms.

   Stages of Status Updating: 1. Whatever. 2. Good for waiting rooms. 3. Pulled over at the side of the road so you don't forget a great status update.

   If you can't handle me on Facebook then you definitely don't deserve me at my best! Wait...this is my best!!! Guys, please love me.

   Hugh Hefner- 87 years old, has 27 years old wife; Berlusconi -77 years old, has a 27 years old girlfriend; Maradona- 52 years old, has a 22 years old girlfriend. Moral : Don't worry that you don't have a girlfriend or wife, your's probably isn't born yet.

   "You have sexy calves." -Pedophile bull

   "Guess I'll turn on the news to see what the government is up to" - The President of the United States