Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boys, if you don’t look like calvin klein models, don’t expect us to look like victoria secrets angels.

   What do you call a woman with no gag reflex>>>>>>>>>Wife!

   Girls, if you don't look like a Victoria's Secret Angle, don't expect us to care what you think about what we look like.

   According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...

   I am afraid to make eye contact with women who shave their eyebrows off and draw them back on.

   Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I'm like, "Nope. I'm good."

   First rule of the women's club: listen to us. No no, respect us. Wait no, love us for our mind. Hmm no...I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.

   Every time you refresh your timeline less than 5 minutes after checking it, it should say "Maybe you should try making friends"

   The new legal DUI limit is .05, but if you're dyslexic, the limit is 50.

   ME: Mom, I finally found a job! MOM: Great!,, What is it? ME: Debt collections.. MOM:... ME:... MOM:... ME: So, I think you know why I'm calling

   Internal Revenge Service

   My heart's not broken; it's just under construction. Fines will be doubled.

   THAT MOMENT: When the cop car that just pasts you makes a U-turn, you begin to wonder where your car papers at.....

   They say laughing 100 times is equivalent to working out for ten minutes, I'm scared if I get going I'll laugh myself into anorexia

   From now on, all of my posts will be written in Samuel L Jackson's voice. Re-read this one again Mother F*cker to make sure it's working!!

   Whenever someone says "Oh you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "I wore a rubber?"

   Who needs eHarmony when you've got cake-flavored vodka and chloroform?

   single and ready to m(ake chocolate cake and sob)ingle

   During sex it's perfectly fine to say "yeah", "yes", and "oh yes" but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming "yep"

   I'm coming out with a workout video called "Beached Whale Body". It's just a video of me sitting on my recliner with my computer on my lap and phone in hand.