Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Over 12 people shot at a Mothers Day parade in New Orleans today. Such a messed up world we live in.

   It's been a good Mothers Day only negative is mom didn't finish the 7 pound omelette challenge so she had to pay for breakfast.

   Happy Mother's Day to all the teen moms who just released a back door p0rn video this week.

   Turns out, I have a 4.6 billion year old sun... I am gonna see him tomorrow morning.. wow amazing

   why as a man would you tell a woman, your welcome on mothers day ... for malin this day possible like we dont get our own holiday called fathers day you silly guy

   What wine goes well with 16 Advil?

   Baby cows all over the world fear for their Mothers as McDonalds gears up for the next Monopoly game.

   When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.

   Dear car dealerships; whoever told you we like shouting commercials lied...

   I kinda just had kids to have somebody to watch cartoons with.

   Happy Mothers Day!..Thank You Dad for not Pulling Out!

   On a scale from 1 to dyslexic, how 10 am I?

   It's like Batman didn't even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.

   If 40 is the new 30, then Monday is the new Friday.

   Bacon is natures way of making up for Monday mornings.

   Ever just apologize for no reason whatsoever? No? It must be nice being single.

   I’m glad men don’t wear skirts, I imagine how much shorter they would be when we had erections.

   Sometimes I consider myself a badass then I remember the most dangerous thing I've done today was sneeze while driving.

   The foods that prison inmates eat are more nutritious than the food in school cafeterias......Just let that sink in for a bit.

   Then satan said, "Put the alphabet in math"