Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm only 1/2 Italian. Luckily, it's the half from the waist down.

   Facebook: Because why not think out loud to a bunch of strangers on the internet?

   Thinking about kicking her out my Cheaters Elite club! I only deal with ppl who can find the answers for quizes fast! Not slow ppl who needs me to show them how Google came up with the answers..

   Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying "sorry breaking up with you" or that a minute later she text me back "sorry wrong number."

   Facebook is like having your own talk show except you don't get paid and your studio is the bathroom.

   I wish you could Google anything. Liikke, "Where the F you ck is my phone?" and it would be lliikke, "It's under the couch dumbass......lol good night peeps!!!!!

   "No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   "Happy Mothers Day, here is your injunction" - Kobe

   They told me women likes edible undies, So far the only thing I've attracted with these edible undies is ants.....

   Happy Mother's Day & Everyday to all the Moms out there.

   Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful MILFs out there!

   I love your eyes, but I love mine more...because without them, I won't see yours.

   my life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance & its just me laughing at my own jokes.

   Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.

   So 78,000 people applied for a one way trip to Mars huh? Hopefully they were all members of congress...

   I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 2 is ready!"

   Thanks to Maury I've only had to buy one Mother's Day gift for several years.

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.

   From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.