Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I play with my hair because I have no balls.

   scientific studies have shown that I hate you

   Okay ladies, these charges aren't going to press themselves...

   I'm white, but not "says yes indeedy" white. No siree Bob!

   Some hot girl just winked at me with both eyes at the same time. It means she finds me twice as attractive right guys?

   I wish that I could put my status to what I am really thinking…

   I just heard that the Japanese are going to clone a Woolly Mammoth discovered in Russia. Really Japan, really? Did you not learn anything from that time with Godzilla?

   I'm hungrier and more frustrated than a legless Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill.

   I blew a speaker in my car today. He was a motivational speaker and he was very convincing.

   Just having a conversation with this squirrel about why human nuts are better..

   Summary: IRS sorry about abusing govt power, now register your guns you paranoid freaks.

   The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place

   after sex, I want to take a nap, while my girlfriend is full of spunk!

   Long Island ice tea proves that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

   I am now signing up for motivational speaker training...I heard the side benefits are great.

   Have you ever sat next to someone who smelled so good you couldn't stop licking there neck? Sorry dude take it as a compliment geez!

   The key to being a great parent is finding what your child loves the most.... And then using it against them.

   I'm a leader not a follower! Unless its a dark place, then F that, you're going first!

   Birds born in a cage thinks flying is an illness!

   I get a call telling me that "my husband and I" won a 4 day, 3 night cruise to the Bahamas. When did I get married tho?