Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The voices in my head couldnt sleep, so I woke up early to keep them company.

   There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.

   Im so lonely, I go to the airport just for the pat-downs.

   I can hardly wait for asparagus season! The red and green colors in the toilet remind me of Christmas ツ

   Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.

   Remember that Ex that we all thought we’d never get over? What's her name again?

   I cant wait until 2016 so that I can learn through FB what country Hillary Clinton was really born in and what type of tyrantical gvmt she's associated with and how fast she plans to go door to door to take everyones hand guns..

   Every person who just drove by me was on the phone but not me I'm on Facebook

   I almost missed work this morning because "somebody" changed the order of my "day of the week" undies.

   Irony: Putting Jodi Arias on suicide watch while she's facing the death penalty?

   Some dude is stealing my status updates He hides it well by changing all of the words and the topic, then making it interesting or funny.

   My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...

   The baby laughing alone in the back of the vehicle at nothing in particular goes from adorable to creepy after only a couple miles.....

   yesterday my five year old Hawaiian son used the word taint and I asked him where he heard that word and he replied "Walmart"

   n't sending a girl to drama class kind of like sending an Irish kid to drinking lessons?

   I like to eat at Brazilian restaurants because there will be no hair in the food

   Parenting tip: If you beat one child with the other child you can tell the Cops that they were just fighting each other .......... You're welcome.

   Before the Internet I could just move to a new state and start my high school women's gymnastics coaching career all over again.

   "Couples wearing matching outfits is a hate crime".

   Late to bed and early to rise, Makes you groggy and F$#ks with your eyes