Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obama: I like Coke. Fox News: Obama has declared war on Pepsi.

   Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

   Life is weird. You can go from being strangers. To being friends. To being more than friends. To being pratically strangers again.

   I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!

   People dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just hold their phone over the plate, snap a picture, & then upload it to instagram .

   Dear Derrick Rose: Can you come up with even more excuses why you aren't playing despite being 100% healthy??

   I wonder if employees for pornography sites get into trouble for looking at non-related work websites during the day. We caught you misusing company time. CNN? Amazon? Bed Bath and Beyond? We're not paying you to look at that kind of crap.

   I love babies wearing sunglasses. They are like little tiny, blind jazz musicians.

   Currently pondering.....for a very curious monkey, why couldn't George ever figure out the name of the man in the yellow hat?

   How in the heck was Cinderella the only girl in the ENTIRE kingdom to wear that size shoe?

   Just watched a movie with my kids about a young girl that is transported to a surreal land where she kills the first person she meets. Then she meets up with 3 other strangers to kill again. The Wizard of Oz.

   If Cinderella's shoe fit perfect, why did it slip off to start with?

   I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to

   Hey G@y Guys; I think God's plan was for things to come outta there, not up there..

   My 6 year old tried to karate chop a watermelon at the supermarket. Thanks Fruit Ninja

   Hey Crossfit idiots All I can think about when I see you running with your backpack full of weights is how quickly you'd sink if I pushed you over the bridge.

   I'm proof that you don't have to be famous to make stupid decisions...

   Silly me....being the city slicker that I am...I thought the KY Derby was a lubrication contest.

   "MORNING!" "MORNING!" "HEY!" "YO!" "NICE DAY!" "YEAH!" "I LIKE SEEDS!" "ME TOO!" "I HATE CATS!" "SO DO I!" - birds at 4:30 am

   Always take a homeless person with you when you go camping.They're outdoorsy, work for food. & you can leave them anywhere you want to.