Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   7 Billion people, 14 billion Faces.

   You have to get along with everybody. You're out-numbered.

   Watching a program about apes trying to make it in the real world. Wait no, it's "Keeping up with the Kardashians".

   A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday...

   looking for a good retractable leash. when I walk my turtle I hate when it gets to far ahead of me

   I think Taylor Swift should walk in while Kim Kardashian is in labor and say “Hey, Kanye, I know you’re having a baby and all, but I just wanted to say that Beyoncé had the best baby of all time!"

   Holding someone accountable is a form of love, too.

   When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

   You shouls say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy.

   You should say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early and I am too.

   My signature move is walking past all the ladies in the gym with my chest puffed out before using all of the exercise equipment incorrectly.

   Mmm-Kay,,, The recipe said "turn the oven to 180 degrees," so I did... But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   The irony of my phone trying to autocorrect "nutrition" into "burrito" is not at all lost on me.

   Did you know you that you don’t have to put every meal you eat on Instagram? You can just eat it.

   Dear those people who use their cellphones as a personal stereo in public, stop it. Sincerely, Everybody

   I guess it's "No Pull Out" season. Almost every chick on Facebook is pregnant.

   Break-ups aren't always meant for make-ups, sometimes they're meant for wake-ups.

   Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.

   My ex has a new boyfriend and I’m glad. I mean I want her to be happy. As long as I’m happier and she knows that.