Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh no Chris from Kriss Kross died... You know the 90's rap duo that wore their clothes backwards.... I guess it's down to only Kross Dressing. That's wikkity wikkity wikkity wack!

   I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.

   I think I will get a piece of canvas and draw a face with my left hand and my eyes closed, splash it with purple, red and black paint, call it "Disconnected" or some such crap... Sell it for 1.8 million and retire.... That's my plan.

   In 1987, my teacher made me write 'I must hand my work in on time' five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway... I'm finally done.

   I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.

   I don't blame myself for getting lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

   The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking wine while doing it. You'll be amazed at how much less you care.

   How come KFC doesn't have any women say "I ate the bone"??

   Some people can judge a beer by just a sip but it takes me the whole glass.

   "Hello 911?" "There's a guy on TV that wants me to feed kids in Africa 15 pennies a day and I'd like to file a complaint... Yes, I'll hold."

   I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.

   I wish this weather would make up its mind. I don't know if it's safe to shave my pubes or not...

   Flavored condoms? What's wrong with pen*s flavor?

   Nothing makes you feel more alive then standing on a grave.

   And if I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Kanye West, Kim Kadarshian and Internet Explorer, I would shoot Internet Explorer twice.

   5 out of 3 people struggle with Maths.

   People rarely hate you for your weaknesses, they hate you for your strengths.

   If life is a b*tch then make sure yours is a good looking one!

   I went on a blind date last night. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.