Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay Facebook can we have one special button that prevents anyone from inviting me to their event. Judging by the amount of time I spend on FB, you should know by now I am not an event kinda guy.

   I'm convinced that someone could start a facebook page that featured nothing but hideous women with three heads, and there'd still be guys that would comment, " Hola, mamacita, man joo shood come over to mi casa!"

   I don’t get it. So in a gay marriage, they have two couches?

   Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.

   Looks like Chris Kelly of "Kris Kross" finally tripped over his backwards pants falling and hitting his head. Ooops, nope, update: drug overdose. Shocker.

   Thursday: Friday's younger, yet equally attractive sister

   I'd like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

   Cement your friend zone status by calling a girl “dude.”

   "I woke up in a new back alley..." MC Hammer

   Guys, if my hair doesn't look like a birds nest afterward, you're doing it wrong.

   Kris Kross will make you... Jump Jump. The Daddy Mac will make you ... Jump Jump. The Mac Daddy will make you.... OD in your living room.

   After an extensive scientifc study, Chris Kelly (aka Mac Daddy from the 90's rap group "Kris Kross") has conclusively proven that wearing your clothes backwards does not provide adequate protection from drug overdoeses.

   RIP Chris Kelly - trust you have gone to the big trampoline in Heaven to Jump, Jump

   Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.

   Looks like lil wayne had another seizure.....Maybe she shouldnt be hating on the Miami Heat. Cuz that's when it all started...

   I hate it when me and my subconscious is having a heated debate...and just when I come up with good comebacks, it thinks up a even better one! I thought about drinking on Friday, subconscious said "how about now!".... good one!

   My gynocologist needs more windows in this van.

   WE WAS SO BROKE GROWING UP MY MOM USE TO KNOCK MY TEETH OUT JUST SO THE TOOTH FAIRY COULD BRING US SOME MONEY

   Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you've built in your head?

   I didn't mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.