Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cactuses are just angry pickles.

   If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

   I hate people who feel they are entitled to certain things just because they are different.

   Why do porn sites have a Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+

   So Amanda Knox kills an innocent girl and she is now a media darling just because she spent a couple of years in an Italian jail. Whats wrong with this world really?

   My generation's zombies didn't run. They walked. Uphill. In the snow. They ate what brains they could find and they liked it.

   Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working

   In a new study women with large asses live longer.........the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives

   ladies it's hard for us to read your thoughts if you already vocalize each and every last one of them

   Who remembers when big ol' gigantic ol' Rosie O'Donnell came out of the closet? Okay it was a storage unit but.....

   women stay in shape to live long, healthy lives. Men stay in shape to have sex with hotter women...

   I love being envied and hated! Because no one envies the ugly and nobody hates the weak!

   going for my annual physical today. Its the only time a year I dont like a finger in my a$$

   I came out of the closet while getting dressed this morning, yet, no news story....

   how about no humans were harmed in the making of this film?

   Tim Tebow: "I'm a Christian" Me: "I don't care" Jason Collins: "I'm gay" Me: "I don't care"

   You know.. I would call you a tool, but even THEY have a purpose.

   Well it appears coming soon to a store near you...The Morning After Pill. Marketed in fun filled colors and your favorite cartoon characters. You can choose from flintstone, gummy bear, buggs bunny, or any of your favorite Disney characters...

   I don't need a therapist. I already have a bartender.

   I don't know what's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute...