Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had ADHD as a kid but they had a different name for it. They called it sit down and shut the h*ll up or get medicated with"the belt."

   My workout video is just a 15 minute clip of me dodging my boss around the office.

   Having sex is like vacuuming; It should be loud enough to scare your pets, involve a whole lot of sucking, and it's best if you do it often in every room of the house.

   sprung after seeing a girl walk in with an itty bitty waist and put a round thing in his face.

   How does a Kardashian change a light bulb? They buy a new mansion.

   I look up to people who don’t look down on other people.

   Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the Internet.

   The snippy little nurse told me to piss in a cup. So I told her to go fart in a jar. And the fight was on.

   They say good things come to those who wait. But I been waiting for this b*tch to leave my house n she still here lounging.

   All cheaters need to come with a warning sign. Like once you cheat your hair turns lime green so people know what you are all about.

   When I die, the best tombstone I can hope for is "He was an ass hole, but he was a funny ass hole."

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right

   Really no offense ladies,but why do all of you go on about your weight..then post all this food that would clog and artery...

   Get Twisted...Happy National Pretzel Day!

   I find it weird that we still use animals for product testing when there are at least 37 million Bieber fans out there.

   Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I'm older than the Internet.

   My walk of shame is actually an escape plan.

   And with the 6th pick in the 2013 NFL draft, the Cleveland Browns select Robert Denton ESQ, Defense attorney, Harvard.

   People are always on the verge of telling everyone they’re on the verge of something.

   My life feels like I'm constantly waiting while it's buffering