Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If one more person wishes summer I am going to push them into a volcano!

   Reese Whitherspoon may have lost her good girl image but she's still got her overinflated self worth...

   I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?

   Reese Whitherspoon and Taylor Swift must be somehow related coz they share same genes.

   NEWS FLASH....CORDUROY PILLOW MAKES HEADLINES!!!!

   I hate when I'm stalking someone & go to another person and then another person and still didn't finish stalking the first one.

   Me: why did you stop me? Cop: for starters you're not wearing a seatbelt. Me: what about main course? Cop: step out of the car.

   If a relationship is when you think about them when they're far & you never want to leave them, then I'm in a relationship...with my bed.

   Women are like maths. As soon as you think you've finally figured it out, something harder and more confusing comes along.

   I'm the Kristen Stewart of not knowing how to react to a compliment.

   JAB, Stalking my Facebook friends.. one at a time. . .

   men are judged according to this "What they do Who they are and How much they make"

   Sorry sir...but your wife didn't make it.. ) : Was it*sniff*...lack of prayers on facebook? D : Yes sir...i'm afraid it was... ( ._.)

   Just saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?

   I went in to see a psychiatrist. I say, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?

   JAB, Well, through the laws of averages, I've lived past my expiration date. . .

   How can you have YOLO Sundays, every Sunday??? some of these club promoters need to get a marketing class!

   12 miles on the treadmill in 68 minutes! ..... tomorrow, I might actually get on it.

   Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again".

   hanging out with his friends Mike Rotch and Jenny Talia.