Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   4/21...Happy Surprise Random Drug Test Day.

   someone needs to engineer some jokes

   Open your mind before your mouth.

   The problem with the world today is that way too many people are living their lives in theory in the virtual world.

   My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don't know if I'm kidding or not.

   Luis Suarez - if you cant beat them bite them!

   It's good to see that Suarez has finally tasted champions league success.

   knows he is a man now because he just found a hair down there.

   LISTEN,, I know I said that I acquired language skills in utero, but perhaps I spoke too soon.

   Some people think I'm quiet, others wish I was.

   I would love nothing more than to see the Heat to lose in the first round.

   If I was Ivanovic I'd get a Rabies injection, best to be on the safe side

   Beggars should be abolished. It annoys one to give to them, and it annoys one not to give to them.

   The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking.

   Some people only have two senses, Bourbon and revenge.

   I'm sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   I just found out the big difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

   I'm right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?

   I received one of those posts that says your porn name is the color of your underwear and whatever is immediately to your right.... so my porn name is Yellow Chinese Guy.

   I don't get why people find drunk texts annoying. You're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly.