Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you don't wear makeup I feel like I'm cheating on you with your brother.

   I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed, Not my fault they don't have Windows...

   I love myself, I'm just not "post pictures of myself everyday on Facebook" love myself.

   Words of Wisdom: Don't cover your mouth when you sneeze. You'll get snot and stuff all over your hands ツ

   Great Thanks to these doushbags, now I gotta get a background check for a pressure cooker at Sears......

   Typical lol, how all of Boston is on lockdown and businesses are close, except for the Dunken doughnuts which is mandated to run for the duration of the Manhunt!

   I parked in a disabled bay in tesco this morning, a bloke shouted "oi what's your disability" I said "tourettes ya c*nt, now feck off":-)

   where are all thedouche bags that said this was some anti gun control nut job now?

   If you do kindness to others, others will do you with kindness.

   Having a rough morning? Place your hand over your heart. Feel that? That's called purpose. You're alive for a reason. Don't give up.

   Yes, I'm on facebook a lot. No, I do not have a life. Yes, I like it. No, I don't think dollar beers, playing horseshoes and cornhole at a biker bar constitutes you having a life either.

   it me, or does that Uncle of the 2 suspect, DZHORkhar Tsarneav, look likes a pist-off Adam Sandlar?

   BBM is just a support group for people who can't afford an iPhone.

   This show on CNN is just a remake of "The Fugitive" without Harrison Ford.

   I just accidentally made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips in the urinal next to me ... I think I need to kill him now.

   Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.

   I wonder if the only thing open in Boston right now is Dunking' Donuts

   This is the best episode of "24" since season 3

   I'm home getting hammered while she's out getting nailed.

   JAB, Let this be a lesson to idiots every where, you won't get away with it. . .