Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How about we start being thankful everyday, and have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?

   Found a bag of marijuana at work last week, and like any responsible employee, I disposed of it. In a series of small fires

   Don’t fear anything; just try and understand it before you kill it.

   I'm sick of women who label themselves as a BBW. All of you who say you're a BBW are just Big Bodied Whales. Stop trying to make yourself feel better for being 5'5 and 200 lbs by saying you're a big beautiful woman.

   Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?

   Nothing is better than a woman getting in touch with herself. Especially if she lets me watch.

   Congress is now drafting new legislation that would make it mandatory for anyone purchasing this appliance to be entered into a national pressure cooker database. Details at 11

   I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won, and the number of iPads I actually own...

   Me and the missus have got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music. Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark....

   I used to worry that today's kids will ruin the planet when they grow up until I realized most the adults I know are idiots...

   While looking down at my shorts, my wife said "well somebodies happy to see me" To which I replied "No its just a Samsung Galaxy MEGA in my pocket"

   I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.

   My favorite exercise at the gym would definitely be judging.

   Being born was such a shock that I didn't speak for nearly two years afterwards...and still not normally.

   I wasn't sure that I was hungry enough to eat a whole pizza, so I sliced it into six pieces instead of eight.

   The best thing about online classes is the beer.

   Paddle faster. I hear banjos.

   The rudeness, the incompetence, the "attitude." I'm never using the self checkout again.

   Nothing is better than watching a woman getting in touch with herself. Especially if she lets me watch

   There should be a Disney princess who lives in a ghetto... just to give hope to all the black girls out there