Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to open a card: 1. Pretend to read card 2. Pretend to not look for money If money found: 3. Show gratitude OR 4. Feign gratitude

   So you say you’re fat because you had children. What did they taste like?

   It's like my bank account doesn't understand me.

   I came so hard earlier today my index finger is still bragging about it

   You like Justin Bieber? Well good for you! I like the smell of my own fart, but you don't see me bragging about it.

   Nobody cares if you’re going to bed or woke up on Facebook, unless it’s with them.

   I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.

   Lost my job as an aquarium tour guide when I told a group of 3rd graders that, " Sharks were just dolphins that were into the military."

   Friday instantly puts you in a good mood...

   When I die I want Charlie Sheen's life to flash before my eyes.

   I've recently nicknamed my girlfriend 'auto-correct', because she constantly tries to interfere with what I want to say.

   If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?

   How do you know if you're an attention seeking b*tch? Check your Facebook status, and if it reads something like 'having the worst day ever!" ... Bingo.

   Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.

   A police officer stopped me last night whilst I was driving home from the bar. "Do you know why I was following you?" he asked. "Because my Facebook Stastus are funny?" I replied, absolutely hammered.

   My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, "Allan, if you ever get into a fight in the bar, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock." Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

   Going to Mexico. What outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   Which Playmate is in charge of sorting Hugh Hefner's pills?......'cause you KNOW that's an all day job....

   DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.