Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you're the windshield and sometime you're the bug!

   Be alert! The world needs more lerts!

   I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flintstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard.

   I know you think saying you need everything "ASAP" makes you seem important, but really it makes you seem like you can't plan.

   Fire roasted peanuts are so much better than water or wind roasted peanuts.

   FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" is not really a good defense in court

   I used to get scared when I worked nights as a security guard so I carried a security blanket.

   I like to draw graffiti on highway overpasses. Things like "clearance 40 feet".

   When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. No one could imagine why he was my friend.

   My safe word is "eww."

   You believe some dude walked on water but being g ay is unnatural?

   Walking away from a senseless arguments, makes sense to me!

   We found the Gates of Hell? Why were we looking for those? Doesn't searching for the cure of cancer matter anymore?

   I guess North Korea's illustrious leader is too stupid to realize if he launches an attack, North Korea will be wiped from the map.

   It's not you...it's my wife.

   Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it's a good morning for a few minutes.

   You're from Oslo? Norway!

   Here is one I bet you don't know. If you say the word "gullible" slow enough, it'll sound like "oranges"

   I don't another superpower... When I lift my son to let his hand touch the ceiling,, I see it in his eyes.