Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How ironic is it, that when Smokey the Bear dies, he wants to be cremated.

   best part of waking up, is breakfast after a nut.

   Funny how when I see someone from High School I suddenly hve a great job and am trying to stick a key in a car I in the parking lot that I could never afford!

   In Maine,, I've decided we only need one weather man, and his job is to stand on camera shivering saying bundle up,,, that's it.

   I just had a bad dream. I went to the Facebook log in screen and it asked if I wanted to sign in using my Myspace account.

   In my most recent survey,,, four out of five men talked crap about the fifth one whenever he was out of earshot.

   If you always generalize about women, you're ugly, poor, insecure, or you might have grown up in your mother's basement. At the worst-case scenario, you've got a crap partner.

   Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

   So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?

   4/04 Day Not Found.

   Whenever anyone mentions something about a vicious cycle, I imagine an evil bike that can't stop killing.

   I just drank some food color, now I think I'm dyeing inside.

   COPY THIS AS YOUR STATUS AND SEE WHAT PEOPLE RATE YOU. | 1. Perfect | 2. Perfect | 3. Perfect | 4. Perfect | 5. Perfect | 6. Perfect | 7. Perfect | 8. Perfect | 9. Perfect | 10. Perfect | 11. Perfect | 12. Perfect | 13. Perfect | 14. Perfect | 15. Perfect

   Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner. --daniel tosh

   i was winning egg hunts before I was even born

   I need to get my life together. I spilled Life cereal all over the counter!

   Just realized I havn't checked in on my Tamagotchi for 14 years. Wish my wife could be the same way.

   To really intrigue, women must be capable of revenge and cruelty — toward others or themselves.

   Is it necessary for every office-building stairwell to look like a Law & Order crime scene?

   FYI- Clear plastic bra straps make you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.