Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I called my work this morning and said, "Sorry, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

   I promised my boss i'd come in early for work on monday Aint that a great April fool's prank......

   Right to bear arms meant only muskets? Is like saying right to free speech only meant the old English spoken in 1700s....

   I dont have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bulllllshhhiittttts!

   Good News to a Pastor: The Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: The pastor was on vacation.

   11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.

   April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.

   April fool's day idea: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says "Now voice activated!" Sit back & watch the magic unfold.

   Not only is it April fools day. Did you know today is offially national egg salad lunch day. . .

   I've been checking the box at the fire department but there's never any babies in it.. Whoever's beating me to it..YOU CAN ONLY TAKE ONE PER VISIT.

   I'm glad I don't work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches.

   I just f@rted so hard, my bluetooth rattled and my phone gave me directions to 3 area hospitals

   I went to the mall today and the power went out, I was stuck on the escalator for 30 minutes.

   April Fools Day: Don't believe anyone or anything...like you should any other day.

   Why does Mike Tyson Cry during sex...... MACE LOL

   Took the stairs at work today. Not to be healthy, because the elevator smelled like boiled egg farts...

   Justin Bierber's album Believe (Acoustic) is the number one album in America. And we wonder why the rest of the world hate us.

   being single does not always mean you're available

   Great!! An attack by North Korea means that we will have to wait 50 years before Samsung gets a chance to sell their new Galaxy S4.

   They say listening to Justin Bieber is the gateway drug to taking a w iener in your butt.