Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I forget that I don't like you.

   Gangnam Style: Dancing like an overweight Ch!nk getting b0ned up the a$$ by a sumo wrestler while wearing handcuffs that were put on by a ret@rded cop.

   If you like it then you should have put a ring on it. Or refrained from referring to her as “it” so much

   A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I'll catch the next one. She's mad at me now.

   Oh so you wanna loose weight, by eating healthy........then why your healthy food weighs more than the cheap stuff?

   How can you be a "natural" bodybuilder if you're cramming your body with protein powders, amino acids, and all other kinds of supplements?

   When my son asked my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance, I said "maybe she went bIack",,., and now I don't have to help with homework

   Whenever something good happens to me, I look at my calendar and circle the day I think I'll ruin it.

   You say alcohol abuse, I say this alcohol is getting exactly what it deserves.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary... Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google it.

   I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now."

   my voice is girly when I talk to strangers but when i’m with friends I turn into morgan freeman!

   Saw a bird poo on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.

   "Find the Juan for you!" - Mexican dating site

   Alphabet soup is just soup when you can't read

   It should be a rule that if you dress up like a sea captain, you get a free dinner at Red Lobster. I'll pay this time, but I'm not happy.

   It's ironic that you mean "coincidental" when you said "ironic" because, ironically, you dont know the definition of "irony."

   I feel so blessed that the government protects my family and I from the dangers of gay marriage so we can safely go buy some assault weapons

   Wearing gray sweats and a RoadHouse shirt today if any of your kids need a role model.