Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GUYS: If you're out at the Youth Fair and you can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately!

   LADIES: If you're at the Fair and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there too. He'll find you immediately.

   My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That's not my waiter

   We are so fortunate not to live in China,,, they have to hide their posts in cookies.

   I'd go to church if they had Wi-Fi.

   I had my trophy wife stuffed and mounted.

   Dollar Store pregnancy tests,,, Cause you gonna be gettin your expired baby food and single ply diapers there after anyway.

   Failed biology because apparently the answer to "what is commonly found in cells?" Isn't "Blacks and Mexicans"

   If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.

   tolerance isn't supporting something you agree with, it's supporting something you don't agree with...

   It's kinda sad that I'm 46 and I still need to say "righty tighty,, lefty loosey" when I fix things.

   New "Shots" Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone's face.

   Saying I am hard to shop for is admitting that you don't know where the liquor store is.

   I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on. "Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said. "But Dad, I'm 18," he protested. "I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."

   Ford F-150 commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.

   When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy

   Nissan Titan commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.

   March. In like a lion, out like a...hang on...wind chill of 34 degrees here in Orlando right now?....Okay....in like a lion, out like a Honey badger.

   Why do blacks only get February but every month is Truck Month??

   If you can't be manipulated, you're not in love.