Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anyone wonders what a difference a year can make in someone's life....allow me to explain......if someone had told me a year ago....that Lance Armstrong and I would have the same number of Tour de France wins....I would have argued with them....but now

   Facebook should have an automatic detection service that as soon as someone posts something regarding the gym or healthy eating, then they immediately get rewarded with a medal that they are obviously after.

   If "thought bubbles" appeared above my head every time I ran into a moron, I'd seriously be screwed.

   Told this girl I'm a tenor, and she said, "You're a six,,, and that's with me being generous."

   Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

   You’ll never get the same results running on a tread mill as you will running from a pi$sed off Pit Bull

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "A Brat about to get an a$s whooping".

   but why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   i gotta crap so big I'm thinking I need to hire a event planner!

   I hate Mondays. I've destroyed my office with my air guitar twice already today!

   I'm not saying she's fat. I'm just saying if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know.... She'd be three of them.

   Thinking of renewing my vow... to never get married again...

   Took a major dump and when I flushed, I yelled to the stall next to me "Sh#t's goin down" ... silence

   theres no "half-singing" in the shower... you are either a wimp or a Rock Star....

   I sometimes eat pizza with a fork... Please love me anyway.

   Here is an Easter time saving tip - don't waste time coloring the eggs. It will make them easier to hide in the snow...

   Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   I think Wynonna has been "Snacking With The Stars".....

   So if Jesus doesn't see his shadow when he comes out of his cave this Sunday, does that mean we get 2,000 more years of hell on earth?

   I’m having potato salad for lunch. Well, potatoes and olives. Fermented potatoes. I’m having a vodka martini for lunch.