Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend... you're not doing it right.

   I have mixed drinks about feelings..

   Everyone is really happy that you’re working out, but announcing it every time you do it makes people hope you die on the treadmill.

   If nobody is talking about you, you must not be a very interesting person.

   I'm going to drink so much that I find that pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.

   If you ask what I'm thinking my answer will either be so offensive you'll never ask again, or so entertaining you'll ask again minutes later.

   If at first you don't succeed, then you ain't me mot her fu cker.

   Ok A$$hole, just go around me. I'm already doing 40 over the limit, and I'm not speeding up. Stupid tailgater..... With your stupid flashing lights

   Part of my workout routine is that I always get hammered before I go jogging...... That way I never go jogging.

   St Patrick's day: A day the Irish celebrate their rich heritage by acting like a bunch of Puerto Ricans.

   Chic-fill-a really does descriminate against gays. Their ketchup packets were super hard for me to open.

   When you are talking to yourself, if you are polite about it, people won't think you're crazy.

   I am doing an all day binger at Wendy's for St. Fatty's Day

   You have to personally know a moron to fully appreciate the meaning of the word ‘moron’. A mere dictionary won't do.

   There should be a Fresh Prince reunion where Will Smith plays himself and rest of them are unemployed.

   The difference between "single" and "alone" is cats.

   FACEBOOK – A place where couples wish they were single and the singles wish they were couples.

   Do you think St. Patrick is looking down from heaven thinking, "What are they doing? I hated beer and the color green."

   I wish that talking ferret from my dream was real. He was a right laugh

   I saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beers you begin to see all kinds of things...