Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Screw Daylight Savings Time. Losing an hour on the weekend means we're one hour closer to Monday. Dammit.

   Please stop interrupting me while I am ignoring you.

   This job fair sucks... They don't have one ride...

   Well, today I found out that they don't like you to wear roller skates in the mall! Or maybe they were mad cuz I didn't have pants on.....not sure which one.

   Daylight Savings Time means I’ll be hungover one hour less than usual this Sunday.

   If chics would wear slut rings instead of mood rings it sure would save a lot of time.

   Dear family, thanks for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. now I can have disappointment for breakfast..

   Discovery Channel - Conspiracies and Myths "Finding The Tooth Fairy" is on...... I hope they find her, that biotch still owes me money from when I was 6.

   I know someone, who knows someone else, who just happens to know someone. . .

   There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but who wants to date a fish. . .

   what time do they drop the ball to set our clocks ahead?

   yep, they started smoking at the Vatican.

   you see, one minute is 1:59 the next is 3:00 a.m., ugh!

   Elections show how desperate human beings are to be led by douchebags called politicians.

   Happy Mothers day to a mom who should have been an air traffic controller... ...I was grounded so often!

   MARY was handpicked by God to bear his son, MOSES was handpicked by God to bring the Israelites out of Egypt, NOAH was personally asked by god to build the ark, but the POPE is chosen by ballot box. One of these people is an impostor.

   No one is more cherished in this world than someone who lightens the burden of another.

   Did you remember to set your clocks one hour ahead for Daylight Reappropriated Time?

   I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.

   Remember it's Sunday. No clever, sarcastic, or intellectual humor. The mouth breathers won't "get" them.