Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you play dumb to attract men, ask yourself why you want a man that likes dumb women.

   Who came up with the brilliant idea of moving the clocks forward on the weekend...in the middle of the night?? Why not move them ahead on a Friday around 4PM?

   Ignoring me is not a punishment. If you want to punish me, tell me about your day. And withhold the booze.

   * Walk in jury duty.... * Hand both lawyers a copy of my latest status updates..... * Walk out of jury duty....

   Most women don't notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them.

   I'll have a little of whatever God was on when he invented seahorses please.

   I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat...

   He was a good dog. He was a smart, very good boy. Who was a good dog? Who's a hansome, good boy? Was it you? Yes it was..—---Dog obituary

   TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...

   I always feel so bad for homeless people. So when I see one, I always stop and show them a really big "frowny face". That way they don't realize how much fun I'm having with all my money and stuff.

   When I was a kid we were so poor. We couldn't afford Easter eggs so my mom would hide her ben-wa balls in the yard instead. And if we didn't find them all she would be really mad.

   If your going to Facebook stalk me please have the decency to comment or like things form time to time..... I mean really, whats the good of having a stalker if you don't know your being stalked in the first place!

   BREAKING NEWS: "An armed lunatic stormed a gun range and killed 20 NRA members". - Said no headline ever

   what do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?? A WIDOW!!

   Woke up this morning from a dream I was flying. Late to work kind of wished that whole flying thing was true

   They say it's not the about the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean? BS... I've NEVER seen a small ship make big waves!!

   "Putting a load in the dishwasher" has different meanings depending on whether you're married or not.

   Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back but when you're with them they always have their phone in their hand texting.

   If your name is John, your parents were just lazy when they named you.

   "I'm sick of beautiful people who don't have to work for their beauty, when I'm over here sweatin my balls off for all this beauty."