Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.

   paul bearer has sadly passed away, the undertaker will be handling the funeral arrangements

   i wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There's ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....

   Be beautiful on the inside.....eat more glitter!!

   To the douchebag who pushed me out of the way of the baggage carousel, remember what goes around comes around....

   I never drink, I only disinfect internal injuries.

   While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at thecovered places.

   THE WHOLE PROBLEM WITH THE WORLD IS THAT -fools are always so certain of themselves and wiserpeople so full of doubts

   Moving-on is like drinking a cough syrup, it tastes horrible but it's good for you.

   wearing Hugo cologne today like a boss.

   Whenever I see a big guy beating up a little guy I ALWAYS jump in to help cause there is NO WAY the little guy can take us both.

   . I'm going to start an exercise class that mixes religion into the experience. I'll call it...Pontius Pilates. (insert Dr. Evil pinky in corner of mouth move here)

   My better half wants me to go to the store and pick up some spices...I told her"Ain't nobody got no thyme for that"...

   no amount of cash is petty

   hates when the microwave decides to heat his plate, but not his food.

   Dear Diary: "I’m not sure how much longer I can hide the fact that I’m a robot

   Just experienced that rare moment when you flip your hoody up just right and realize that if ever called upon you could wield a light saber and take orders from a little green creature with big ears.....

   i dont mean to brag ...but I just finished a whole chap stick without losing it

   You're odd and cheap when you smile habitually and for no apparent reason.

   First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat! You ever own a hamster? I did. Lost him in the dryer. Do you like dachshunds? Watch me do a cartwheel! Okay, who wants brownies?