Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care much for tattoos. I prefer to ruin my body the old fashioned way. By weighing 400 lbs. and getting stretch marks that resemble tire tracks.

   Life is short. Tell the people you care about that you love the them. But tell them in German because life is also scary and confusing...

   I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

   HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.

   Not to brag, but I come from Old Poverty.

   When my dog has HIS friends over,,, I'm going to fart and quietly leave the room,,, Just so he knows how it feels

   Those women who claim to be offended the "C" word, are usually the biggest ones.

   I make people guess the secret ingredients in my brownies.. hallucinating yet?

   Girls gone wild...Not the first time Bit@hes bankrupted a man..

   Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   I remember the first guy who broke my heart. Well look at me now, Jason! I talk about mundane stuff and drinking escapades to perfect strangers on the Internet. I got a lot going on, dude. You had your chance!

   "Common sense" is dead an buried. What we have today is "rare sense".

   From political deadlock to fiscal cliff to sequester, the American Soap opera "All my White House & Congress' failures" continues to draw national disappointments & worldwide miseries.

   I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

   I think it's safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.

   Tomato basil soup is just a fancy way to make people drink pizza sauce.

   "Girls Gone Wild"....Just Sequestered President Obama..I Betcha!

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.

   According to Nostradamus Prophecies, Politicians can resist a Nuclear Winter, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a direct Meteor Impact, the Jehovah's Witnesses & Mormons. But not a Sequester!

   Please help me! The invisible spider-monkeys are trying to sequester me!