Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?

   Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

   Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn't on purpose!

   Um...Food Network? Um, could you have a program that shows folks how to make fried chicken, meat loaf, mashed potatoes and things like that? Some of us don't like Duck's A$$ in Radicchio and Lobster Nutsack Glaze.

   Paula Deen's signature dish: "Butter Sauteed in Butter Topped with a Buttery Melted Butter Glaze with a side of Butter Sticks dipped in Butter."

   I molested myself last night. I said no but I knew I wanted it.

   Everyone comes with baggage...Find someone who is carrying Gucci baggage.

   Friend: Why use Google when you can ask Jesus anything? Me: Not gonna ask Jesus where to find midget por n.

   I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.

   Did you know the salt in the ocean is from all the misunderstood sharks, crying, because they just want to cuddle!

   Christmas Schmistmas....March features the greatest holiday of the year. Any festivity that centers itself around getting drunk on beer, and stuffed on a big hunk of beef soaked in brine wins my vote.

   A huge sink-hole opened up and swallowed a Florida redneck while he was watching TV in his bedroom...If only a few of these were conveniently located under the Whitehouse and Capitol Hill, America might be a better place...Just sayin.

   The Vatican removed Bishop Sicola from New York from the final candidate list for the papacy...... Apparently they thought it wouldn't seem proper to address the new pontiff as ''Pope-si-cola.''

   Be the person your dog thinks you are.

   I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop.

   According to a recent study, cockroaches can resist radiation, extreme temperatures, the apocalypse and 6 hours of Justin Bieber songs.

   I don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his crap & be fine & then they eat half a candy bar & die.

   Amazing how you can be first and everything and then last and nothing.....all with a blink of an eye..I hate video games!!

   Just because I pet your dog doesn't mean I want to talk to you, get over yourself smoking hot girl!

   I tried ordering one of Justin Bieber's CDs for my niece's birthday on Amazon. Amazon said "costumers who bought this also bought a rope and a stool."