Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because I pet your dog doesn't mean I want to talk to you, get over yourself hot girl.

   Silence is only golden when the person you really want to shut up does it.

   I spit on a hotdog before eating it. I think I need to cut back on the por n.

   I really don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his shi t and be fine and then they eat half a candy bar and die.

   Thanks for ruining real honey for all of us, Boo Boo idiots.

   If I had a mood ring on today, it'd be flashing like a disco ball..!

   I wanna be with a woman who’s stupid enough to never leave me.

   Hugh Hefner would make a great Pope.

   Sequestering a sandwich.

   okay...so Harlem Shake is not a rich Arab!!!

   It would be a nice jesture to avoid this sequester.

   you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!

   RIP: Bonnie Franklin. Muddle up to heaven one cloud at a time.

   I just lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that

   Sex with my girlfriend is like the fast and furious I'm fast and she is furious.

   The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting final notices and threatening calls from debt collectors.

   “ea” 69 for midgets?

   It’s always difficult to maintain that air of manliness when it comes to the ‘sucking her nipples' part

   I'll judge your whiteness based on your reaction when Jump Around comes on.

   Someone please tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.